Dear Earthkins,
Greetings to whoever is reading this. My name is The Grim Reaper. Yes, yours truly. A.K.A Death, El Muerte and The Sweet Release...although, who am I kidding. My real name's Fabio, the only reason I ended up with this gig is because my second name is Death...but lets stick to The Grim Reaper for now. Anyways, I'm writing this letter to you all because every six hundred and sixty six years, I write a letter addressed to all the people on earth. Why? Well, I want to keep in touch with my audience. It's like I'm the music artist and you're the fans. Every so often I like to send out some newsletters to everybody to let them know that I'm still around and care about them...wow, that analogy works. I've been sat here for two hours thinking of an analogy to put in here and I finally got one! Did you like it? Dickens taught me really well at literacy...oh yeah, he's in Hell. I didn't believe it either, I thought he'd atleast go to Purgatory but nah, residing here. He's doing quite well for himself though, opened his own bar called "The Burnin' Dickens". Cleopatra really likes it...I wish I could impress Cleopatra...man, I'd let her bite my cobra any day. So yeah, back on with the letter.
First off, I would like to re-address what you Earth people seem to think of me. When I last sent off a letter, back in the 15th century, I thought my image was quite reasonable; big scythe, dark hoody, snakes out the eyes...you know, gothic but it seems since then, my reputation has taken a beaten in your media. For example, lets take this moving picture called 'Little Nicky'. If you haven't seen it already, it stars Adam Sandler but most importantly; ME! Even though I'm not getting honours off the film for use of my image, I was still happy because The Grim Reaper was going to be in the mainstream...but then, as I was streaming it off freemoviestheater.com, I came across a horribly libellous scene which shows me having breasts appear on my head and then I have to walk around with a bra on my head for the rest of the film! This is just...totally wrong and would like to say that I do NOT have bosoms on my head. I would back-up with a picture but I'm very sensitive to flash lighting. It's not entirely all the new media though. I mean, I'm very fearful in the Final Destination series and look very morbid in ‘Castlevania’ for the Super Nintendo...but apart from them, I'm very disappointed in you all. I'm just sick of half-arsed parodies of me, you know? Whether it's a movie or a kid with a monologue in an English classroom; just can't be bothered. Scratch up on your medieval literature, you amateurs.
Moving on, I missed a piece off my last letter with what my daily routine is down here, as people were quite curious to know exactly what it's like to be The Grim Reaper for the day and to be honest…it's rather average. There's no fun to it at all, just:
1) Sit around at your desk waiting for someone to die.
2) When someone does become living challenged, you go to their location.
3) Grab their soul and take them to the chambers of hell
4) Throw in the great lake of fire
And repeat. At first, it was kinda fun but now it's become a bit of a drag. The people don't appreciate me, The Devil treats me like I'm his work dump and my wife doesn't understand what I'm doing for her by keeping on this job. But as zombie Frank Sinatra said; "That's death.".
Oh, also before I finish I have some messages from some of the folks down here. I told them all I was going to be contacting Earth and some of them wanted me to pass on a few little messages to you all.
First of all, Hideki Tojo, who was famous for the leader of Japan during WWII, wanted to leave something:
"Hey everybody, Tojo here. Just going to leave a quick message because I'm playing with the Axis of Evil on COD but hope everything is going well up there, errr glad to hear that Japan is advancing in technology and really ju-WHAT?! HARRY TRUMAN GOT A NUKE?! NOT AGAIN!"
Churchill is also a N00btuber if you didn't know. Also, I got a few words from Vlad the Impaler. Due to his very freaky stare, yes, this man can get judged quite easily but deep down, he's a normal dude it seems. He said:
"To all the people of Earth, I only have advice for you. Do whatever the person in you feels like doing, help a friend in need and always live for the moment. Worrying about the past and the future only leads to the present being wasted. Be yourself and let your soul run free."
See what I mean? Very deep words there, so yeah, follow the words of Vlad the Impaler if you want to really live your first life to the full. Finally, I thought I'd keep the high words up and end on something from Stalin. When I asked him for a message to the people on Earth he just shouted:
"I THOUGHT COLLECTIVIZATION WOULD WORK."
And ran away crying. Man, that dude has some inner demons. Hope he makes it through.
Well guys, I'll finish it there. Don't want it to drag on. Thanks for reading this and see you all later. Especially you Katie Price. I'm coming for you and your ITV2 cameraman.
From,
Fabio
P.S: Sorry for the impersonal letter, I would of went up there myself and talked to you all but I currently feel like death warmed up. (HA.)
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