Death.

You know what, death sucks. I ain't gonna' argue with that fact, especially since everybodies subconscious Captain Obvious confirms it for them. Everything about it is just a let down. For a start, you die which means no more living, no more friends and no more Maoams forever...and then if THAT didn't suck enough, you get eaten alive by maggots who totally have no consideration for the beautiful body form that was you (Does complimenting my readers mean I've sold out?) and despite what the crackheads at your local Churches might say; that's it. Nothing. The thing that made you conscious has now shut down and no, your conscious has not magically floated away to where you can totally "PARTY AT FIVE!" with Churchill and The Beach Boys...The Beach Boys are dead, right?

Either way, the worst thing about it though is that, considering your cause of death wasn't mass nuclear war, the thing that everybody for decades and generations will remember you by is a crappy, little brick. Look at it! Think about it, in your life you could of saved the ice caps from melting, solved the crisis within the music industry, even found a cure for Belieberism...and you'd still get a bog-standard stone with some flowers, that'll just be nicked by the family of the dead guy next to you because they forgot to bring some. I was thinking though, how about we turned death into a competition that proved just how fucking excellent you really were. Bear with me...

If I got my way, there would be a national law introduced to the country where if somebody was either going to definatly die or felt that they wanted to/had fulfilled all they wanted in life, they would go to special centers around the country where you could fill a form confirming it. Then once they're done, they get shuffled away into an airplane to a remote forest in Northern Canada, pumped on a fuckin' crapton of adrenaline, where they'll all be dropped off and made one by one to fight an onslaught of wild bears. The aim is to try and knock-out as many bears as possible before you are eventually beaten and eaten alive. The official adjudicator who foresaw it, would then note down how many bear's arse you kicked and then that figure would be applied onto your gravestone. The more bears you killed; the more fuckin' awesomeness that you get remembered for. Just think of it, here's an example:

And then if you killed a ridiculous amount, not only can you still win a peen contest when you're dead but your loved ones won't just say "And there they lie..." in a weeping tone but "And there lies the person that I know who killed TWENTY ONE FUCKING BEARS." in a joyous tone. It almost makes death alright for your loved ones.

Then, in centuries to come, you'll still be debated and maybe in the History text books for A Levels...plus, it could stop future debates like we have today! Like this:

"I think that Nikola Tesla was the greatest genius of the modern day world."
"Hmmm, no I disagree. I think Einstein is possibly the ultimate one."
"But how can you say that? Tesla came up with loads of genius ideas. He came up with Tesla coils, he was a master with electricity unseen by today's standards and even near his death, he was working on things like electric death rays and force-field atmospheres which could of potentially stopped nuclear war for good!"
"I say it because it says on Einstein's gravestone that he killed 44 bears whilst Tesla only beat 32."
"Ahhh, fair point."

See? The whole world can benefit from this. There's no human rights being broke as the person signs themselves over and it's a good way to count on who was actually great where it really mattered. It would pretty much be like a giant game of SmashTV.

Just think about it.

Anyways, whilst we're on the subject of death, the Buddhist religion and the Karma system is seriously fucked. It builds itself upon the fact that if you're good in your life you can become a human, if say you were an insect, or a powerful human in your next life if you were already one and vice versa for negative karma...but how does one do good deeds as an insect? If you done bad things as a human and wanted to make up for it...how does that work? Is it basically like Jenga? You've got to keep it up or else when you're at the bottom you're screwed forever? No wonder there's so many insects, the poor souls are wondering "Well what the fuck do I do now". If any religious scholar could tell me if I'm wrong though, that would soothe my mind.

Anyways, this was just a quick post on the subject matter...although if there is any people out there who looked at my bear fighting idea, thought it was good and have the power to do so; contact me.

See yas.

Facebook & Morons

Hey, my names Jesus Christ. Not one of those Spanish kids who have the name, I mean, the original all-mighty Jesus Christ. Today I'm writing on this blog that I found on the internet because I need to deliver a message to you all. A bad message. To be blunt; the world is going to end soon. Shocked? Why the hell would you be? I've sent you looooads of signs over the past years that the world was coming to an end. Massive earthquakes, Justin Bieber and reversable socks...although to be fair, I guess they were sorta subtle, like me currently posting a Doomsday message on a unknown blog with 3 followers but whatever, "God works in mysterious ways" and all that crap. So yeah, I can't give a date to when it's going to end but it's going to be very soon. What's the cause going to be? Facebook Morons.

Through my all-mighty and all-seeing eye (When you get to heaven, you can lend it and have some fun.) I've noticed a horrifying trend through the site 'Facebook'. Yeah I know, middle-aged man with a long beard who uses Facebook screams "fucking hipster" but I only discovered it recently, before then I was on Myyearbook.com and me and the other 3 people who used it had alot of fun. Back to the problem though, "Facebook Morons" are morons on Facebook who post moronic updates and whilst you all *Sigh* and turn a blind eye to them at the minute, they're going to ruin the world very shortly and unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about it because it's progressed so far. Now with my all-seeing eye, I can see you're still a bit confused. Right, here's how.

So you have your moron on Facebook. As atypical with morons, a moron will usually have moronic friends. Also true to nature, a moron will post moronic updates. So here we are, the moron posts a moronic update. Moronic updates usually trend from a sentence on how bad the weather is or how they're so bored and think that us knowing that is a blessing to us all. Moronic update then gets "Like"'d by all their moronic friends because hey, a morons loves a moronic update! Original moron then grows confident thinking "Wow, all these people loved my update...if I stick to just doing these type of updates everybody will love me!" so moron posts more moronic updates. As more of these get liked, this will have two effects on two different types of moronic friends:

• The morons who were already posting moronic updates will then post more because no matter how moronic they are, morons will like them and the more likes you get on your Facebook = the bigger your penis.
• The morons who didn't really post status updates are now starting to think it's okay to post moronic things because people like them...and so it's like a field of mines. Once one gets set off, a chain reaction follows.

Then as all the moronic friends start to do what the original moron was doing, the trend then multiplies through their own moronic friends and so forth. By the end of the month, there are usually a thousand to two thousand new morons posting moronic updates on Facebook. The multiplication doesn't stop there though. As the life of the moron progresses, they will naturally attract new morons with their aura of moroningness. This effect will then start on the new morons and spread it to their group of friends. Sometimes a moron can find the common sense to go abroad and even spread their moroningness to different cultures, further spreading the moron infection!

As you can see from the picture I've painted, this will soon turn into an epidemic, eventually seizing the world in its grip. Although some people may also be thinking "But wait, I'm normal and would never either hang out with a moron or replicate a moron"...but oh you'd be wrong, the infection can attack non-morons too, turning them into horrible beasts! For example; look at Tarquin here.

Tarquin is a normal person, when he's on Facebook he's usually either doing productive group joining or posting interesting updates.

Unfortunately though, Tarquin isn't popular. His friends number on Facebook is as low as the white blood cell count of a Lupus patient.

Tarquin see's the moronic updates being posted by the moron and thinks to himself "Man...look at all those 'Likes' on their status...I wish I had those amount of 'Likes' on my status updates."

Tarquin then, after seeing that, decides to post a moronic update on Facebook to see if he becomes more popular (Remember kids; Number of likes = size of penis).

This works and all the moronic people he had on his friends list start to like it.

Tarquin feels popular and through the gush of euphoria, he decides to leave all his values behind and starts to post moronic updates. Soon the fellow morons are telling their moronic friends about Tarquin and his updates.


The morons then add Tarquin, feeding to his popularity and moron count to such a degree that he cannot turn back.

That's not the end of it though, in keeping with the "Moron has moron friends" rule, Tarquin had lots of normal friends when he was a normal and after becoming a moron, some of Tarquins friends who were just like him, start to see all his sudden popularity and the chain then continues.

So there we go. If you want to know exactly how this causes the world to end, basically society as a whole collapses because everybody turns into a moron. Morons then makes moronic decisions such as:

• Using the national water supply as a toilet.
• After catching on that people have died from the water supply, they then decide to replace their daily water with glass and decide to eat that instead.
• The government then realises this and signals a glass epidemic where all glass is banned in the country. This then leads to windows being removed and the whole older population dying from pneumonia.

And so forth. There we go, I've warned you all about it. Unfortunately for you lot, there's not much you can do about it right now. By the time it takes you to read this sentence, 25,000 moronic Facebook updates will have been posted and that number is growing by the day. So errr, I guess all you humans can do now is do what you do best about up-coming world disasters. Make a movie on it. Bye.

A Letter from The Grim Reaper

Dear Earthkins,

Greetings to whoever is reading this. My name is The Grim Reaper. Yes, yours truly. A.K.A Death, El Muerte and The Sweet Release...although, who am I kidding. My real name's Fabio, the only reason I ended up with this gig is because my second name is Death...but lets stick to The Grim Reaper for now. Anyways, I'm writing this letter to you all because every six hundred and sixty six years, I write a letter addressed to all the people on earth. Why? Well, I want to keep in touch with my audience. It's like I'm the music artist and you're the fans. Every so often I like to send out some newsletters to everybody to let them know that I'm still around and care about them...wow, that analogy works. I've been sat here for two hours thinking of an analogy to put in here and I finally got one! Did you like it? Dickens taught me really well at literacy...oh yeah, he's in Hell. I didn't believe it either, I thought he'd atleast go to Purgatory but nah, residing here. He's doing quite well for himself though, opened his own bar called "The Burnin' Dickens". Cleopatra really likes it...I wish I could impress Cleopatra...man, I'd let her bite my cobra any day. So yeah, back on with the letter.

First off, I would like to re-address what you Earth people seem to think of me. When I last sent off a letter, back in the 15th century, I thought my image was quite reasonable; big scythe, dark hoody, snakes out the eyes...you know, gothic but it seems since then, my reputation has taken a beaten in your media. For example, lets take this moving picture called 'Little Nicky'. If you haven't seen it already, it stars Adam Sandler but most importantly; ME! Even though I'm not getting honours off the film for use of my image, I was still happy because The Grim Reaper was going to be in the mainstream...but then, as I was streaming it off freemoviestheater.com, I came across a horribly libellous scene which shows me having breasts appear on my head and then I have to walk around with a bra on my head for the rest of the film! This is just...totally wrong and would like to say that I do NOT have bosoms on my head. I would back-up with a picture but I'm very sensitive to flash lighting. It's not entirely all the new media though. I mean, I'm very fearful in the Final Destination series and look very morbid in ‘Castlevania’ for the Super Nintendo...but apart from them, I'm very disappointed in you all. I'm just sick of half-arsed parodies of me, you know? Whether it's a movie or a kid with a monologue in an English classroom; just can't be bothered. Scratch up on your medieval literature, you amateurs.

Moving on, I missed a piece off my last letter with what my daily routine is down here, as people were quite curious to know exactly what it's like to be The Grim Reaper for the day and to be honest…it's rather average. There's no fun to it at all, just:
1) Sit around at your desk waiting for someone to die.
2) When someone does become living challenged, you go to their location.
3) Grab their soul and take them to the chambers of hell
4) Throw in the great lake of fire
And repeat. At first, it was kinda fun but now it's become a bit of a drag. The people don't appreciate me, The Devil treats me like I'm his work dump and my wife doesn't understand what I'm doing for her by keeping on this job. But as zombie Frank Sinatra said; "That's death.".

Oh, also before I finish I have some messages from some of the folks down here. I told them all I was going to be contacting Earth and some of them wanted me to pass on a few little messages to you all.

First of all, Hideki Tojo, who was famous for the leader of Japan during WWII, wanted to leave something:

"Hey everybody, Tojo here. Just going to leave a quick message because I'm playing with the Axis of Evil on COD but hope everything is going well up there, errr glad to hear that Japan is advancing in technology and really ju-WHAT?! HARRY TRUMAN GOT A NUKE?! NOT AGAIN!"

Churchill is also a N00btuber if you didn't know. Also, I got a few words from Vlad the Impaler. Due to his very freaky stare, yes, this man can get judged quite easily but deep down, he's a normal dude it seems. He said:

"To all the people of Earth, I only have advice for you. Do whatever the person in you feels like doing, help a friend in need and always live for the moment. Worrying about the past and the future only leads to the present being wasted. Be yourself and let your soul run free."

See what I mean? Very deep words there, so yeah, follow the words of Vlad the Impaler if you want to really live your first life to the full. Finally, I thought I'd keep the high words up and end on something from Stalin. When I asked him for a message to the people on Earth he just shouted:

"I THOUGHT COLLECTIVIZATION WOULD WORK."

And ran away crying. Man, that dude has some inner demons. Hope he makes it through.

Well guys, I'll finish it there. Don't want it to drag on. Thanks for reading this and see you all later. Especially you Katie Price. I'm coming for you and your ITV2 cameraman.

From,
Fabio

P.S: Sorry for the impersonal letter, I would of went up there myself and talked to you all but I currently feel like death warmed up. (HA.)